aristocrats joke script

Move! He's got a very huge wiener. I've only got one. "And basted in[ Sniffles ]white wine." Berlioz:Hooray, we're home! Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! It's just, "Here we go folks.". Short no. [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[Humming]. Edgar opens the door. Look out for Edgar! I'mRoquefort by the way, I need your help,Duchess! O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. The Aristocrats Sketch The joke itself generally begins with a family auditioning for a talent agency. Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. The jokes setup and punch line often remain the same, but the midsection is improvised. [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. I've had all the help I can take. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, ho! Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. Roquefort: That's it! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Edgar! [offscreen]Toulouse? Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? Now, come on. Right? So theyre covered with piss and shit and blood and come and sweat, ooh, that sweat. Neighborhood! Napoleon: Hush your mouth, you idiot. IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Marie: And are we reallygonna ride on it? Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. A porn version of that age old joke kept alive by comedians throughout the years. Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! O'Malley:[offscreen]Move! Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette. You've got it! Gottfried told the joke to recover after losing the crowd and eliciting booing and hissing with a joke about the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which had occurred just 18 days prior. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. [Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot are shown] Now, here's a special messagefrom Walt Disney World. Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. Oh, dear,what a terrible night. [offscreen]Swing on down here, Daddy. [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. Okay, baby. It says here. I'm the one that sayswhen we go. Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. Hiya, chicks. Let's hurry. Another cat slides a hook under the harness. Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. Duchess: (offscreen; chuckling)Yes. We British liketo keep things proper. Thieves: [singing] Welcome to the Forty Thieves! I'm the leader. WebUntil gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Duchess: Yes. Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. Why, that's terrible! O'Malley:Over there! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: I've asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter. Look, Georges. We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. [Shrieking] What's going on?! Its release marks the completion and end of something, or perhaps several things, though what, exactly, is difficult to determine or WebIts an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House". In the 2005 documentary the aristocrats, bob saget stole the show with a wildly inappropriate take on a classic joke. I mean and waiting waiting for the death penalty! Duchess: Oh, no! Roquefort:Don't worry about me! Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. And aristocatic flair in whatthey do and what they say. Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! And we blow Hitler, then next episode, we bite his dick off, ha ho! Backtrack a little. [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. So much likeour own dear England. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. Watch your mouth. BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. [ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. a one-wheeled haystack. Duchess:Oh, Thomas, Thomas,that would be wonderful. We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. When you lift something it better be a cock. George carlin shares his version of the aristocrats joke. Scat Cat: [ Trumpet Blaring ][ Laughing ]Well, looky here. Napoleon: Wait a minute! Duchess: Now, Berlioz. To which pets do the otherstip their hats? Splendid, madame! Frogs: [singing] There's so much to say, but we have all day. O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! August 12, 2005 You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. Napoleon: It's squeaky shoesapproachin', man. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. O'Malley: Come on, Duchess. Multiplied by nine times. This is reallynot lady like. Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! There's no legal system at all in play in a joke. They're too cutesy." Duchess:Oh, darling, if,if only I could. Lafayette: I'll see ya in the morning,Napoleon. My bad. Amelia: Now listen to this, I am Amelia Gabble,and this is my sister--. I'll take careof you later. Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. ". Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. Live all the adventure of the movie and more. What is the Jawi script exactly and why did they stop using it in from www.quora.com. WebThe Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. It's like Curly in the Stooges. I wanna go home! Duchess: Now, Marie, let's leaveToulouse to his painting. Berlioz:[offscreen]Aw, shut up, Toulouse. And I come after the cats. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, come now, Georges. Scat Cat: Likewise, Duchess. Only for those aged 17 and older. Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? Here I come! [ Chuckles ]Not as spry as I waswhen I was 80, eh? There's incest. Ooh! 4:39. Amelia: No! This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." I love 'em. O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? "The "Aristocrats. Milkman:Sapristi! Why? Well. I'll think of a way. Ahh! I'm not at home at all. O'Malley: I'm all right,Duchess,honey. They'll be gone. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. Ow! Coming! And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. Let them in! [offscreen]Any womanwould like it. [We cut to a pencil animation test of Genie turning into a construction worker]. Come on. Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. Billy Boss: So? I do believeyou've been drinking. Georges Hautecourt:[Chuckles] Of course. You knowthe kids are bushed. She's a real sexy nine-year-old. Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. Old picklepuss Edgar! Genghis Kahn, for god sakes. Just back away from me. Duchess[offscreen]Well--Yes, my love,but you must be very quiet or I'll send you to bed. Toulouse: I'm a tough alley cat too. The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. What made them think this was entertaining! O'Malley: Duchess. And that was my vacation. Oh, thank goodness. Hold on, Kyle. Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! Napoleon:Now this is no timeto turn chicken. Mussolini. I'll be gone. Beda Tre. Duchess: No poetry to cover the situation,Monsieur O'Malley? O'Malley:Yeah. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. Abigail: Oh, how horribly nice! Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. Nice doggy! Mark Elliott: But a band of notorious thieves. In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. Duchess: Marie! [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]Come on, Edgar. Oh, sorry, my dear. The cat cowers against the wall, shaking in fear. Right? Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. Napoleon: 'Cause I outrank you,that's why. Girl: And then the raccoons ate our food and they all had poison ivy. Duchess:[offscreen]And, wham, when weneeded you, you were right there. O'Malley jumps into the trunk]. And for goodness sakes,do be careful! [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. Have you seen Gallagher? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: There now, Duchess. Duchess: Oh, Thomas! Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. But, knows where what's at? Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. In all our days,in tender ways,her love for uswas shown. Now, dear, you goto the piano and-- Run a long. Because with usshe never felt alone. Those cats have got to go! A family walks in to a talent agency. So the piano player starts to play. All thoselittle kittens of yours, Duchess. We gotta split! I only wish that l--. [Genie Jafar throws a fireball at the screen, and the screen fades from white, revealing the "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves" logo] "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves". Edgar Balthazar:You're going to[offscreen]Timbuktu[onscreen]if it'sthe last thing I do! Uhoh, yes. Kittens, come along! How could I forget him? Someone call the cops and Ill sneak out. The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. Phenomenal. . SUBTITULOS ESPAOL Toulouse: Females never fiight fair. Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that? All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. Stupid cat! Edgar Balthazar: Of course, Madame. Phoebus: She's very lucky to have a friend like you. Oh, dear! Judy Gold: People can get up on stage if they want to, you know, finger my niece or touch my nephew's penis. Magic carpetit's gonna be. Berlioz:[offscreen]He's sure glad to see us. Duchess:Berlioz, come back here. Roquefort: I've got to find him. Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Marie, my little one,you're going to be as beautifulas your mother. Here we go. Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? Edgar Balthazar: Careful, sir. This is what this joke is about anyway, it's about using your kids. Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. Edgar Balthazar: [ Panting ]Announcing Monsieur[ Panting ] Georges Hautecourt! Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you could have lost your life. Marie:Mama! Roquefort: Oh, it's a sad dayfor all of us. Oh, oh--Oh, Uncle Waldo,you're just too much. [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. [to Roquefort] Strike one. Abigail: Gracious me. Uncle Waldo: Dreadful! Right off your cuff. [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. Berlioz:We were just practicingbiting and clawing. [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! It probes the darkest, sickest places of the [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous Edgar Balthazar: Oh, please, sir, justhold on! O'Malley: Duchess, If I can live with you, will you marry me? Roquefort:Oh, boy! You're justher house pets. Woody: Alright. "The Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! Naturellement! I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's do NOT f*** your family. Swimming, some of the way. Elizabeth blair explores the dark world of comedy. You ready? The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. To my cats. The real joke is, it's not a Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! WebThe Aristocrats "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up But that's a whole other story. I was on his show he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show yeah, it was his office. [Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? Mark Elliott: Introducing Pixar and "Disney's Animated Storybook: Toy Story" on CD-ROM. They show aristocatic bearing. - The "Aristocrats." Amelia! [Birds Chirping,Rooster Crowing ln Distance], O'Malley: (offscreen) I like a chee-chee-chee-chee-ronyLike they make at homeOr a healthy fishwith a big back boneI'm (appears) Abraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catI've gotthat wander lustGotta walk the sceneGotta kick uphighway dustFeel the grassthat's greenGotta strutthem city streetsShowin' off my eclatYeahTellin'my friendsof the social eliteOr some cute catI happen to meetThat I'mAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malley the alley cat. Edgar throws the pitchfork at him, hitting him against the wall. He rips off his wife's bra. YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! Oh, they'll need help. The mother starts taking her blouse off. It's not fair! Napoleon: They're black--How would I know that? Duchess: Oh, I'll be so gladwhen we get back home. Duchess: Oh, c'est tres jolie,monsieur. Marie: Mama,l guess I had a nightmareand fell out of bed. Kittens! Amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you stand here, dear. This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors and comedians retelling their versions of the joke, as well as shedding some light on its origins. It's "Roquefort". Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. These are my children. Hello, kittens. It's a totally different show. It's a totally different show. No. It's creme de la cremeala Edgar. But right now it's time we concerned ourselveswith self-improvement. O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Roquefort: Oh, please! [Huffing]. Please,let me explain. And, uh, let's see. Now, Marie's the caboose. Thank goodness you're safe! [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? Now on video for a very limited time! He told me justto mention his name. Which pets get to sleep on velvet mats? Come here, my darlings. [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. All right. Now, just a few dunks. Ooh, ooh, ooh! 4:04. Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. O'Malley:Yeah, honey. It's about that big Bob Saget: I believe that's Shandling's joke. But I'm a mouse! John Leader: He created a motion picture based on a story that held a special place in his heart. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. Napoleon: Mm-mm. As with any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly nasty profanity. I'll decide what it was. O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. That's better. I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they f*** each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-f*** an autistic preteen. [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. Andy Richter: Then I move my wiener back and forth, until stuff shoots out. Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. Oh, my gracious! Yes. As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. Scat Cat: Well, Marie my little lady,let me elucidate here. Mark Elliott: The "Toy Story: Animated Storybook" and "Toy Story: The Video Game", from Disney Interactive! I am really in a great deal of trouble. O'Malley: Well, uh, you seeI-l'm not exactlyher husband. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:You know, Georges, if Edgarhad only known about the will,I'm sure he neverwould have left. [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. Abigail: So first, you must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own. Genie Chorus: [singing] There's a festival in Agrabah! I don't mind if I refuse to wish you to sue anyone. We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Hey, Lafayette. O'Malley: "Basted"? Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". [Smacking Lips]Delicious! T. Sean Shannon: Three women of color, they go into this agent's office. [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. Hey,Mr. O'Malley, how much farther is it? Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents it's all-new 37th animated motion picture. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. Georges Hautecourt:Very well. [Humming TuneFrom Carmen]. They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. That's pure O'Malley, baby. And that was my vacation. Amelia: And don't worry about form, sir. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event. She loves us very much. Whoo-whoo! Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? [Metro TrainWhistle Blowing] Oh no, train! Get out! Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. I was asleep a winkall day. You don't need to scream. [Hissing]. My own penthouse pad. Where are you? You are a great talent. Which pets are blessed withthe fairest forms and faces? Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. Mm, ooh, oh, heh. Winnie the Pooh! Good evening, Duchess. Millions. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video invites you back into the world where toys come to life. And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. Bill Maher: It's a family act, but it's a twist because they're retarded. Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. [Quasimodo splashes water on his face as the screen brightens]. Edgar was in it. Step on the gas, Napoleon! 17 Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, my goodness, Edgar. Two-cylinder, chain drive. Thank goodnessit was only a dream. He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello.

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